Diez Diarios
by Written Fairground
Summary: Humor studies! Many journals of the Espada's daily life. I'd love reviews and suggestions! Mostly contains Grimmjow, Ulquiorra and Noitora! Rated T for jokes, language, and innuendos.
1. Entry 1: Grimmjow's Shoes

**Author's Note: **

**In our other story "Aizen's OOC Sleepover Extravaganza" we did a small piece of Ulquiorra's journal and we totally fell in love with the idea of doing a journal series. This will have no planned length, just however long we want it to be. Since it'll be a series of shorts and such. Maybe a few two parts, who knows? We won't use all the Espada, since I hate a few of them. (Like the old guy? Uh. No.)**

**These are extremely fun to write and it's great to see how you guys react to our stupid ideas. WE DEMAND FAN ART.  
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**Hope you enjoy and review!**

**A BlueTalker Production**

**Or**

**A WrittenBoogaloo Collaboration. **

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GRIMMJOW'S JOURNAL: KEEP THE FUCK OUT.

May 9th

What the hell. Someone woke me up by force today. I can't even remember who it was, but they sat on my bed and said some shit about my room smelling like mold. I smell like man, not mold. I bet it was fucking Luppi. That queer wouldn't know anything manly even if it was stuck up his ass. But I can't be mean to him, ol' Aizen would gladly smite me or take me off the "Good Espada" wall. Currently, I have 5 stars by my name. I'm two under Ulquiorra and four under Starrk. (Who knows how THAT guy is in first. He just…sleeps.)

So, I was going to put on shoes and ride my dune buggy for about six hours or at least until I had to piss. You can't piss in sand. That's fucking nasty. Plus Noitora thinks it's hilarious to watch and I'm not a gay.

Instead of finding shoes, I found a couple bowls of Cookie Crisp under my bed and a nude magazine. Starrk bought it for me. I'm thinking of giving it to Yammy and telling him to read it in the TV room so he'll get in trouble. Gin and Aizen are always in there, they've been marathoning _The Office _for about four days now. That TV is fucking huge, like a 7000 inch, I bet.

Long story short, I had to find my shoes. That dune buggy NEEDED me to ride it like some horny schoolgirl.

We usually keep shoes on the back porch, but Ulquiorra queefed for about a week about the smell it made. Where they have been moved is beyond me, but I just wanted some fucking Pumas on my fucking feet. I'll bet you anything Noitora hid them from me, he wants the buggy to himself. Once we get good enough to stop crashing it into shit, Aizen is going to let us ride it in the real world. Noitora just wants to pick up chicks. I just want to look better than other dudes. That's just how I am. The most bad ass man alive.

So, I go and hunt down Noitora for my shoes. He wasn't in his room, or if he was, he wasn't answering my knocks. And I'm to terrified to see what he has all over his floor in there to just kick a hole in the wall like I do with the others. As I was beating on the door with both fist, screaming insults, Luppi's queer scent started to drift into the hall.

By queer scent, I mean that shit he sprays himself with. It isn't like my Axe. It's like…fruity. Maybe it's his coconut shampoo.

He comes up and goes: "What are you up to?"

And I'm all: "Fuck off, gay."

And he is all: "Are you looking for Fifth?"

While I wonder why he called him by his number I nodded. He smirked and leaned against the wall, studying his nails. It's clear he wanted me to ask him where Noitora was, but I just shoved past him. Literally, he staggered backwards and had to grab the knob of the broom closet to steady himself. After he bitched about me being rude, he shuffled after me.

He goes: "Want to know where he is?"

I'm like…no.

Luppi snickers and begins to walk in front of me backwards. Meaning he was leading with his back. I was tempted to lead him to the steps and make him fall and break his neck. But if I did, Aizen might get a bit ticked and take away my dune buggy. Luppi opens his feminine mouth. It's really girly, like…his lips are as full as Harribel's breasts. So, he starts to tell me something about Noitora had "gotten busy" and was busy "riding off with Nell" and blah blah…as if I didn't get what he was saying.

So I told him to, once again, fuck off.

For some reason, this ticks him off and he starts pitching a fit about how I'm "discourteous" and "an injudicious human being." Whatever those meant. I knew they were insults, but I didn't care. I put my hand over his face and shoved him out of the way, again.

Thankfully he shut up, but I ran into my biggest annoyance, Ulquiorra Schiffer. I just want my shoes.

I'd go barefoot, but I saw video on Gin's laptop once of a dude getting his toes cut off in a motorcycle engine. Before I could see how they fixed it, a bunch of porn popped up and I logged off.

So, Oscar the Grouch skulks into the hallway and looks at me slowly. He blinks those really creepy eyes and sighs. He goes: "What are you all strained about?"

I told him his new shoe rule was ruing my life.

He blinks and goes on. "No, you're just acting like an insufferable neophyte. I think I saw Szayel with them."

My shoes?

"No. Just some of them. In a bag."

Oh. That doesn't really help.

"I'm sure if you asked his what he did with the shoes he picked up, he would tell you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make myself some tea." And he slouches off.

I really, really want to deck that guy. Like, every time I see him. Honestly, I tried to be nice when we first met. And he insulted the color of my hair. Blue is fucking flattering my complexion. Ulquiorra is just a loser with no taste in anything. I bet he thinks sand and crackers are the best snack in the world and orders water at the bar.

But, despite my seething hatred for him, I take his advice and visit Szayel. It wasn't a long visit. He said he melted any shoes he found with fungus and mine was not one of them. I think this was supposed to thrill me, judging my the grin he gave me when he shared that information with me; but I just froze like a wax statue. Why do I work with such freaks?

But yes! From the cloudy shittiness of my day come a ray of light! Noitora! I spot him in the TV room, leaning back in Aizen's recliner with a bowl of Coco Puffs and watching _Ninja Warrior_. Nell is stretched out stomach down on the floor with her feet in the air and Stark is sitting on the couch. And for some stupid reason, Ulquiorra is standing by the second entrance to the room, holding a mug in his hand. He hates TV. Why was he in there?

Ignoring the rest of the people, I call out to Noitora.

He sits up. "What."

Gimmie my Pumas.

"I don't have them." He pops some cereal into his mouth and Nell sits up and does the same.

Yes you do. I want them so I can ride my dune buggy.

"I don't, prick. Besides, you can't ride it today anyway."

What? Why? I'd have throttled him, but Nell hand her hands folded on this knee and was laying her head on it. How did he get a babe like that? I ask him why I can't.

"Did you not notice it's storming?"

What! It can't be! My felt interior will be soggy!

Dashing to the window, I found out he was right. I could have kicked that damn TV of the stand. Stark laughed his ass off and I shot him the bird. The room began to erupt in laughter. Well, not Mr. Chipper with the tea. He just sipped it and watched.

Stomping from the room I went back upstairs and fumed.

I'm going to run over Noitora tomorrow.

And Luppi.

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**A/N:**

**Throwing the Espada in ridiculous situations is fun as hell.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Entry 2: Ulquiorra's Dreadful Life

**Author's Note:**

**OH MY GOD. FOR THE SAKE OF POSTING SOMETHIIIING.**

**There was like a week where my sisters and I were all: "Yay! Fanficiton!" Then it was all: "Damn. School."**

**Eh. We cranked out this crap. Enjoy a number of small and humorous entries to Ulquiorra's Diary. **

**Imma watch me some One Piece.**

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Ulquiorra Journal: Please Do NOT Look.

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July 21, 7:47 at night.

Today I laid out. It didn't help, my armpits are burned and the white pages of my book hurt my eyes. Grimmjow was on his dune buggy again. I couldn't tan my back due to the noise.

As I walked inside I realized I had left my sunglasses on. I now have a horrid tan line.

Before I was to eat my pasta salad, I wanted a shower. All the hot water had been used up from someone before me and there were towels all over the place and water behind the toilet. I found my toothbrush laying on the floor.

There were no washcloths. I had to use a paper towel.

It crumbled and went down the drain in lumps. It reminded me of my dreams.

I was also forced to use Luppi's volume shampoo. I now smell like a coconut.

As I went to change into my favorite pair of comfortable slacks, I noticed there was a large hole in the knee. I fought the urge to rip it further.

While I ate my pasta salad, Luppi brought in the mail. I had received two things: A new copy of Psychology Today and a letter from the poetry contest I had entered. I had won $100 dollars. I will put this towards my car fund.

My internal cheer was ruined when Noitora put his grubby fingers in my meal after I told him I won. He then burped in my face and walked away.

Today was okay.

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October 24, 5:16 in the afternoon.

As I was unclogging the toilet today, Aizen asked me to go run to the store for the monthly shopping. I knew this day would come.

He sent me in the company car with Grimmjow. Every bit of hope for the day shattered.

As I sped down the highway, Grimmjow insisted on using the radio. Yet, he could not decide on a station. After his eighth round of the stations, he settled on a channel with commercials, telling me that good music will play in a few minutes. We listened to commercials for about 15 minutes.

We pulled up and almost hit a buggy boy. Grimmjow tried to have me roll down the window and flick him off. I pretended to try to parallel park instead of listen to him.

The store wasn't packed, and soft music played. I felt like dancing. Grimmjow opened a pack of chips without paying. I was humiliated.

Due to my shaking him off in my embarrassment, I had lost Grimmjow.

I asked a pimply boy at the counter if he could call him over the speaker system. The idiot couldn't get the name right and continued to say "Grimmjow Crackerjack" over the intercom. He returned to the front of the store with some brown-haired teen he had met.

He told me his name was Keigo and was teaching him how to steal. I apparently didn't get the joke.

Keigo said I smelled like coconuts. I want him to die.

The orange juice Starrk had requested was out of stock. I debated on what to do and felt like crying. So I bought him oranges.

I was offered a free sample of a meatball. I'm a vegetarian.

I had exact change at the register. But the dime fell from my hand and rolled under the shelf.

As we left, the pimply one called us "Crackerjacks."

I got home and realized I had forgotten the milk.

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August 18th, 12:37

Today the air conditioner broke.

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May 3rd, 9:15 at night.

I woke up and needed to go get my iPod from Harribel. When she answered her door she wasn't wearing much clothing. This forced me to stare at her forehead.

She said she didn't have it anymore and had given it to Luppi. I was mortified.

Luppi didn't answer until I threatened him. He opened the door and handed it to me. The headphones were tangled. I spent the next thirty minutes fixing this problem.

I noticed in Luppi's window that flowers were blooming in his mini garden. This means allergies for me.

As I reached on top of the refrigerator to gather the Benadryl, the small box fell behind the fridge. I could not reach it without a broom. And when I attempted to, the broom fell. I will not be telling Aizen.

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**A/N**

**Eh. Hope you enjoyed it. We're working on the next chapter of the Espada Sleepover.**

**I LOVE ALL THOSE WHO PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP. THE REST OF YOU ARE JUST OKAY.**


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